Everyone in America right now is happily riding the gratitude train and here I am like meh.
Unpopular but honest statement: Some moments I do not feel grateful in life.
There, I put it out into the universe. Ok universe, now don’t smite me! I know, privileged and bratty. But if my reinvention is all about acknowledging and changing behaviors and growth of my soul and spirit some housekeeping is in order.
Some moments, when I feel as if the world and its inhabitants purpose is to take a giant shit on my life I gorge on a humongous ungrateful sundae and anger is the cherry on top.
I aim to live in the space of “Why not me?” as opposed to the victimized “Why me?”. And boy, do I recognize life can always get worse. And that some poor soul somewhere in this world is wishing for my current shit sandwich day. Not only have I lived this lesson but I have bore witness to countless individuals and families struggling through living hells via my days in the medical profession. And, the laughable hypocrisy in all this is that I am teaching and preaching to Baby Reinvention about her attitude of gratitude.
Yet, there are fleeting moments when I sit high up on my entitled throne and angrily tell life to fuck off. It’s not stuff or status symbols that I feel deprived of, nope, not in the least. It’s ease, fluidity. There are times that every. little. thing. throws up an obstacle in my path. Rather than open and embrace and flex the encumbrances I become a tantruming toddler who didn’t get her way.
I am not proud of this poor attitude. The feeling possesses me unapprehended until I get the strong urge to throat punch someone or scream obscenities into the air shaking my fist in rage. It’s like a Linda Blair Exorcist moment. It’s not cute.
How can I squash this monster? How can I break up with my inner Debbie Downer meets Rick Rude?
Perhaps if I conjure up the insight to release the illusion of control and self importance?Maybe if I embrace the “But did you die?!” meme? Or I could just open my eyes and really see how we exist in an environment of constant beauty. I can always try to bring my anger down by breathing and thinking of all the wonderful things right with my life. Remembering how lucky I truly am to have my life. Or I could laugh at my bratty asshole behavior.
If I truly want to reinvent myself I must be willing to stand in constant vigilance of these tweaks. Then, I actually have to execute a shift. Then I have to do that on repeat. Until instead of Linda Blair my inner Gandhi shows in moments of opposition.
The truth is, I feel happier and lighter when I appreciate exactly where I am in the moment. I feel plugged in and connected and woke. I feel carefree when I don’t invest so much energy in my to do list and daily schedule unfolding without a hitch. I mean really, who cares? Well, obviously, I care or this wouldn’t even be content. But in the grand scheme of things- what is really important? Where do I get off thinking that I am owed anything? The minutiae of our day to day are just that small, minute, trifle. Nothing to get hung up and twisted over. What really matters on this journey is love and acceptance and yes, gratitude. Isn’t that really what we are here for?
The next time I am feeling prickly about life I hope that I can stop and breathe and consider my broader purpose. Calm down my inner Real Housewife and be humbly and gratefully exactly where I am, even if that means to sit in discomfort. Sigh….Reinvention truly is a mutha!
Is anyone else out there willing to admit that they can be bratty too? Comment below! Until next time.