How much longer will I allow negative head space and emotions to rob me of all the things most precious to my heart?
I can see these patterns clearly and yet I am paralyzed to end them. I am unable or unwilling or some combination of both to dive into change. Or, perhaps I am wading into change inch by inch, trepidatiously.
Self-sabotage is a dream crusher. Effectively taking hope and strangling the momentum right out of it. Destroyer of dreams and relationship wrecker. Self-sabotage is treason.
I had a nameplate necklace made once. Instead of my name it said “ENOUGH”. My thought was that if I wore something daily around my neck I would see it and feel it and the necklace would remind me that I am “enough” just as I am.
However, I forgot about that Jennifer Lopez movie about domestic violence titled “Enough” and so my intentions were stifled by some strange questions and looks from others. I realized then how ashamed I was to admit my insecurity. Admit, out loud that I did not value myself very much.
I have struggled for as long as I can recall with feeling good enough. Or rather enough for anything or anyone good. I have felt undeserving of all of the wonderful gifts and love that the universe has thrown my way. As I type these feelings I recognize how utterly ridiculous that sounds. And so I ask myself, “Melissa what is so terrible about you that you don’t deserve life’s sweetness? What did you do that is so bad that you do not deserve peace and contentment?”. The simple truth is nothing. I have had failings. I am full of shortcomings. But inside of myself I am a good person.
About a year ago I decided to tattoo “Enough” on the inside of my left wrist. And fuck the questions and comments. It was my personal proclamation to stomp out the fear and be real. “Surprise everyone! I am not the confident, handle on life person I pretend to be! Self-worth and I have done a weird tango for years! Sometimes, I compare myself to others and come up very short! I get wound up in my own head and feelings!” I am ok admitting these truths now. I am no longer ashamed.
This is who I was but not who I wish to remain. This is not where my growth stops. I am enough exactly as I am right here, right now in this moment.
A wise person once told me that instead of asking ” Why me?” when bad things happened in their life they said “Why not me.” implying that no one is exempt from the rough patches of existence. When I heard that I immediately adopted the attitude. For years I have applied that simple but effective philosophy to any shit sandwich served up. But I could also apply it to all the wonderful rainbows and unicorns stuff too. Why not me? I am deserving. I take my gifts and try to share and pay it forward. Why in the hell not me?
Presently, my reminder has helped. When I look at my tattoo I say in my head “Yes, I am”. I compare myself to others less often. I stop the negative thrashings I would give myself when I didn’t live up to some crazy expectation. I do not spiral down the road of shame and loathing like I used to. I give myself range to be human and to fuck up. Did the tattoo do all that magic? If only it were that easy. Rather than write New Year’s Resolution lists we’d have them tattooed and poof they’d miraculously occur!
I think we all have a little self-sabotage within us in a million different forms. Yours may not look like mine. It doesn’t have to. The end game is the same- vandalism of joy. The point is, am I going to own and annihilate it before it demolishes any more of my life or my self? I sure as hell am trying.
I am enough. I have enough. Why not me?
Who are your internal saboteurs? Share with us.