I felt it coming.
Small incremental murmurs within.
Then a sudden large tectonic shift.
As if I have somehow escaped the pit of grief and despair I have been clawing my way out of for the past 4 years.
I am healing.
I am buoyed, disencumbered, levitating.
I feel joy and hope and zest and spunk. I am revived.
Internally I am bursting with excitement. A smile with a huge exhale. I survived. It wasn’t pretty but I survived. I didn’t survive alone. The hurricane of grief impacted my entire sphere of family and friends. They steadfastly stuck by and protected me. Weathering the storm with me.
Last year around this time my friends and I were collectively branding 2018 “Our Year”. As 2018 evolved the mantra was disproven. The chant of “Our Year” grew more and more quiet. It morphed into a sardonic slogan. The year was growth but pain. Tremendous pain. Awareness but weight. Darkness shadowed much of me. 2018 I lived life under a veil of sadness. I lived, I laughed, I enjoyed myself but not 100% authentically. My smile didn’t reach my eyes. My joy didn’t reach my heart. I tried but just was not able.
Today with the impending new year drawing closer I am rebranding 2019 “My Year” and I intuitively feel it to be so. The veil is lifted. I see it on the floor behind me. I know inside my gut the intense emotional anguish has passed. I am not awaiting the “other shoe to drop”. I know that I am now free.
Freedom does not imply that I will not experience sadness or grief or a longing for those people who are gone. I accept that will always be a part of my story. But it is no longer my entire story. No longer my daily existence.
Here is one recent pivotal example:
As December unfolded I felt excitement about the holidays, rather than dread. I wasn’t anxious. I made gifts. I decorated. I celebrated. I enjoyed family and friends. I cooked new dishes. I embodied the love and enthusiasm for Christmas that my mom oozed. She was the corniest, cheesiest Christmas elf. We teased her mercilessly but we ate it up. This year I channeled my missing her into holiday activities and felt joy. I felt joy at creating and sharing and being present. I felt joy at feeling her with me. I felt joy all the way to my core. It was wonderful. I am uplifted.
Uplifted, yet permanently altered. In a strange way this transformation has been a blessing. I have been bestowed with an awakening. Consecrating my own reinvention. An opportunity to change the course of my journey. Being brave enough to say fuck it and act on that craving for change. And now seeing that beautiful ripple.
I am strutting into 2019 like a rockstar. Owning it! Living my dreams without apology!
Here are some of my 2019 goals:
- Take more photos
- Stop trying to fill emotional voids with clothes, food, etc.
- Become a fluent Spanish speaker
- Begin writing my novel with Mr. Reinvention
- Visit the beach weekly
- Run a marathon
- A girls’ trip
- Laugh and be silly more often
- Take voice lessons
- Savor the moments
How are you all feeling about where you are in life? What are some of your hopes and dreams for 2019? Share with us!