1/ 9/19: Today has been a rough day. It unraveled before it even began. My negative self talk exacerbated the whole day by constantly berating and shaming me. I could not get out of my own way. I could not shake off my bullshit shaming and blaming dance that I do to myself.
And so the day unfurled and droned on. And I was angry at myself and lashing inward. Even though I know that I am being unreasonable and ridiculously cruel to myself. My mother’s words echo faintly in my head, “You’re being too hard on yourself, baby girl!”. I know it’s true. But I can’t stop it today.
This may sound absurd but sometimes I truly feel like I am failure at this whole life thing. Like I don’t really know what the hell I am doing. I am just rolling along like a tumbleweed. Honestly, I am not sure what winning at life looks like. I am smiling to myself now, because I recognize that it maybe resembles my life. And some of my shame slides away with my smile and internal giggle.
At least I can laugh at myself and my self destructive neurotic behavior.
I am sure you are curious about what set me off. Must be some big juicy scandal!
Nope, not at all. I am angry with myself because I am not living up to my expectations.
Because I created goals for 2019 and have yet to adhere to them perfectly.
How crazy is that?!
I like to set goals for the year not set the tone. To move forward with living my dreams. To become a better human. Not to chastise myself if I don’t check off all of the boxes every day.
I accept others’ mistakes and forgive easily. I encourage flexibility and fluidity knowing that I am not in control. Yet, here I am ruining my day over something I can only address moving forward. Addressing my inability to perform in the manner that I would like may require me to forgive myself and reevaluate my goals and the expectations that I have set. To be reasonable with myself and exist in the moment.
Oh Yeah- wasn’t existing in the moment one of those goals?!
How can I release this weight of not doing enough or incompletion? How do I cut my ties between my self -worth and my to-do list or goal list? Why is my self- esteem tied into performance? I am no longer in school. No one is giving out life grades.
Typing this out I recognize how defeating this cycle is. The cycle of doing or achieving to value myself.
Why am I not enough for myself just as I am?
Can anyone relate to these frustrations? Leave me a comment.