There are people in my life whom I am unable to forgive right now. The resentment is so strong that I look through them or beyond them rather than at them.
I hate the boiling rolling gut anger that I feel in their presence.
I hate the way I behave around them. Snarky and sarcastic throwing eye rolls and stink eyes.
I couldn’t forgive my mom. For many years. Though my brain understood that as a parent she did her very best, I bare many scars of childhood. I harbored anger over things I was exposed to. Situations I lived through. After my brother died that intensified and surfaced more often. My bitterness grew. And then she died and it didn’t matter. None of those feelings mattered. My bitter justifications lost all validity. Now, I live with the regret of not reaching peace and forgiveness with her. I live with the knowledge of the unspoken stifled tension between us. How that disconnect shaped every single interaction we shared. How it colored our relationship and spilled over and splashed into other relationships. How it prevented us from true connection. I know it weighed heavily on us both. Why did we never discuss it? We danced around sniping and snipping. Maybe we feared that if we really dove into things we may not recover. After Travis died we couldn’t lose another piece of ourselves. Whatever the reason we will never have that conversation now. I have no closure. The gap remains. My memories are tainted by self-judgment. How perhaps I should have been more compassionate and understanding. Perhaps I could have been easier.
A wise person may be able to take this experience and channel the lesson into present life. Eliminating other resentments. Forgiveness for all including myself. But I never claimed to be wise.
Instead I feel further frustrated that those who need the lesson most don’t seem to be absorbing it. I feel rancor that their offensive behavior drones on as if nothing has changed.
When for me everything has changed.
I know forgiveness begins with myself. *UGH!
I know that I am placing expectations on others so what the hell do I think is going to transpire?!
I understand that I will benefit from releasing the negative pent up emotions and forgiveness isn’t really about the other person.
Despite this knowledge I have dug my heels in deep.
What am I waiting for? Am I biding my time until it doesn’t matter? Once again. Have I learned nothing?
Yesterday, I was forced to spend time with one of the people I normally look through in spite. Instead of feeling propped up by justification and righteousness, I felt silly. I felt childish and emotionally immature. I felt the beginning of readiness. Dispatch the venom. Let it go. I will nurture that feeling. Observe for growth. Exercise acceptance. Look at those people. Feel free around them.
I must accept that for some people there is no lesson in life events. Some individuals are incapable of self-reflection or insight. I must recognize that I cannot take their transgressions personally. Most likely they truly don’t know any better. These people are just doing their best to survive. As am I. As we all are.
What are some strategies you use to find forgiveness? Is it easier for you to forgive yourself or others?
Share with me in the comments.