Oh my strong will defiant child….. When will you learn that the world is not against you?That we, your parents, love you more than anything in this whole world and beyond. We adore you and want to give you every opportunity to grow and foster who you are and what you dream of becoming. When will you realize this fact and stop fighting us?! When will you recognize us, not as the enemy but as your biggest supporters?
You came into this world giving everything and everyone a suspicious and sideways slant. And I cannot help but wonder what did I do to make you so distrustful? What is it inside of you that sees the world as a scary and frightening place when I see beauty everywhere? I ponder if it was the occasional extra cup of coffee or deli meat or hair dye? Is there something defective in my DNA? Is it my own traumas passed onto you genetically?
What did I do wrong?
Did I miss something, somewhere to make you feel so unsettled?
Can I accept that this may just be you, regardless of all of the love and support we’ve provided?
I feel sad and scared for you then.
I feel sad and scared for us.
I feel overwhelmed by the thought of raising a human so challenging. I worry about how you will get in your own way of your dreams and happiness. I fear my own lacking ability to help you be your best version of yourself.
It is not that I want to break your spirit. On the contrary, I love the fire in your soul. I want to guide you into harnessing that power and passion. Teach you how to use it to do your bidding.
But today I feel defeated. I feel lost. I feel guilt. I feel powerless.
My dearest girl, my love for you is infinite and tremendous. I will continue to cheer you and help propel you in whatever direction you choose. But you have to recognize that only you hold the key to your happiness. Only you can actualize your dreams. Only you can create gratitude and peace within yourself.
Nothing and no one prepares you for the emotional challenges of raising a child. Having a child is literally like constantly holding a mirror up to your soul. Some days it is a mirror you feel elated and proud to gaze at. Other days, days like today, you veer away from it. You can never put the mirror down. Nor do you want to. For even on my worst days, the days when I feel like a huge mom failure she still loves me and I love her more and we try again.