Sometimes I take a roll in self-pity. I wallow and lounge a bit. I feel as though the love and care I pour forth does not get reciprocated back. And I wonder why? My brain immediately goes to a place of inferiority and negativity. How I am unlovable and unlikable. How people around me barely tolerate my existence. Or even worse- only tolerate my existence because of what I’ve been through. Condescending pity of others is even more repulsive than my own self-pity.
I know that all of these nasty lies are utter mind fucks. Laid down like a mine field to disable me into a self-sabotage cycle. A mental suicide mission for my well-being.
Why do I devalue myself so? What happened to me to make me feel so undervalued that I tell myself these terrible fabrications?
Gratefully, these episodes happen less frequently. Yet, it is a wonder how they come to fruition.
How do I suddenly metamorphose into such a lowly creature?
If I am loving and giving of myself for the simple urge to love and give to those around me then why do I require reciprocity at all?
Can I provide warmth just because it is what the world needs? Is that fulfilling to me?
How often am I completely missing or ignoring others attempts to love and care for me?
How often do others feel rebuffed by me?
I guess I am not as enlightened as I aim to be.
The truth is, I love to love and consider others. I feel full inside when I care for others in ways that make them feel special.
However, I also enjoy feeling appreciated. I want to feel seen.
Is there anything wrong with that? I don’t know. I know that creating expectations can set me up for disappointment. And that’s never a fun trip.
I know that I should not base my self-value on the opinion or attention of others.
I know that people are self- absorbed and busy and ultimately self-centered. Much like this post.
Let me step back. Depersonalize these perceived ignorances and lack of affection. Let me keep doing me because I choose to. Let me direct my efforts toward loving and attending to myself a bit. Then let me shine out and shower the world with all the richness of me because I can. Soak me up world! There’s only one!
Thanks all- feeling better now! xxxxxxx