Pity Party of 1

Sometimes I take a roll in self-pity. I wallow and lounge a bit. I feel as though the love and care I pour forth does not get reciprocated back. And I wonder why? My brain immediately goes to a place of inferiority and negativity. How I am unlovable and unlikable. How people around me barely tolerate my existence. Or even worse- only tolerate my existence because of what I’ve been through. Condescending pity of others is even more repulsive than my own self-pity.

I know that all of these nasty lies are utter mind fucks. Laid down like a mine field to disable me into a self-sabotage cycle. A mental suicide mission for my well-being.

Why do I devalue myself so? What happened to me to make me feel so undervalued that I tell myself these terrible fabrications?

Gratefully, these episodes happen less frequently. Yet, it is a wonder how they come to fruition.

How do I suddenly metamorphose into such a lowly creature?

If I am loving and giving of myself for the simple urge to love and give to those around me then why do I require reciprocity at all?

Can I provide warmth just because it is what the world needs? Is that fulfilling to me?

How often am I completely missing or ignoring others attempts to love and care for me?

How often do others feel rebuffed by me?

I guess I am not as enlightened as I aim to be.

The truth is, I love to love and consider others. I feel full inside when I care for others in ways that make them feel special.

However, I also enjoy feeling appreciated. I want to feel seen.

Is there anything wrong with that? I don’t know. I know that creating expectations can set me up for disappointment. And that’s never a fun trip.

I know that I should not base my self-value on the opinion or attention of others.

I know that people are self- absorbed and busy and ultimately self-centered. Much like this post.

Let me step back. Depersonalize these perceived ignorances and lack of affection. Let me keep doing me because I choose to. Let me direct my efforts toward loving and attending to myself a bit. Then let me shine out and shower the world with all the richness of me because I can. Soak me up world! There’s only one!

Thanks all- feeling better now! xxxxxxx

Melissa

11 thoughts on “Pity Party of 1

  1. Dude… It’s like you are writing about me. Totally going through that hole shizzz… And decided it’s me time! ~love ya

    Liked by 3 people

    1. We r not so different friend! Love u and take care of YOU

      Like

  2. I really relate. I’m happy to help others, to listen, to support. But to open up and let others in and care for me, well, that just seems wrong. I don’t like it. I pull back. I’m afraid to show the dark bits. It’s hard to remember that the good feelings I get, other people would like to experience too, by being useful and a friend. Thanks for the post.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I go through self-pity pitfalls sometimes…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think we all do- part of the human experience I guess. I just don’t want to live there

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Me neither….it’s hard sometimes….

        Like

  4. When I’m feeling this way, I try to remember two things – the first being that “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. It’s a phrase that annoys me, but at the same time is true enough to be unavoidable. You’ve got to have something to recharge with, or you’ll hit that pity party. The second being, treat yourself as you would a friend. Heaven knows we’re harder on ourselves when we’re “givers”. There’s guilt and frustration when we just don’t have the energy to give more. That’s when you say “Girl, cut yourself some slack. Watch a movie. Take a bath. Be kind to yourself.” It seems counterintuitive, but it does wonders.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Amen sister! I am actually doing this today. Taking some “me” time- alone. It’s incredible how much I took the simple ability to have singular uninterrupted thoughts that is not at 5am or midnight! Thx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You’re amazing my love. Check where you’re placing value, love yourself, and let the rest of the bullshit go. You got this.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. A million thanks! Too true! I aim to.

      Liked by 1 person

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