This Saturday marks five years since your accident and untimely death. It seems unfathomable to me. How time moved so quickly and yet so slowly. How my world is eons away from where it was when you still existed here with us.
I needed to acknowledge the passage of time. Memorialize you on my blog. The loss of you so sharply shaped my reinvention. I feel I owe it to you. To say that in losing you I found me. You did that. And though I would trade it all to have you back that’s not whats on the offering table. So I have to create other ways to honor you.
I try every day. Many days I feel as though I fail.
I fail to recognize what I know in my heart, soul and bones.
That this life, in all it’s beauty and ugly chaos and tumult is a gift.
A gift I have the freedom to create as I desire. To paint the canvas however I choose. Each moment of each day.
I watch your friends lives unfolding. I watch their growth and maturity and I wonder. What type of person would you have grown into? Your life was extinguished so young. At twenty years old we still know so very little about ourselves and who we have the opportunity to become. We cannot recognize our power.
So I observe them and I imagine you growing into your adulthood. And the experience is so laden with bittersweetness. I imagine how our relationship would be. I imagine how your relationship with my daughter would be. In my mind’s eye I see you finding and harnessing your dreams, being successful.
But mostly I just think about sitting with you and sharing talks and memories. Laughing over things passed. I imagine the teasing we used to do. The jokes we shared just between us. I feel that connection we had.
And I miss it all.
That part of me is hollow now. Carved out of me when you left this earth. What was once is no more.
Mom used to tell us after her brother died that she felt as though a part of her past died too. There was no one else who knew those same moments, no one who shared the intimacy of daily life memories between siblings.
At the time you and I felt that she was being dramatic in her over-emotional mom way. But she was right. I am orphaned in my past without you.
I wonder where you are now in this vast cosmos. Are you still a force of energy? Are you tormented by your death and what we all went through in our deep grief and pain. Are you rife with guilt over your choices that night? Getting into that car? How mom spiraled downward into her own death? Do you bear that burden? I hope not. I hope you are at peace. I hope you are happy.
Even though there are parts of me missing know that I am happy now. I am at peace with the events that took you from us. I accept what’s transgressed. The touchstone of my rebirth.
With the memory of Thanksgiving, our last holiday together, the last time I saw you alive looming. I will grieve for you. I will miss you and contemplate you more than usual. I will revisit all of our memories. From your birth and the first time I held you until that big infamous bear hug you gave me when you walked out after Thanksgiving dinner. I will hear your voice call me “Sis” through all your life stages, your easy laugh, your lighthearted spirit. I will honor you.
I love you eternally. I miss you infinitely. I forgive you for leaving us.
In remembrance, always,
Your sis xxxxxxxxx